1: Being squeamish about sex
Oral sex is how most people have their most intensive orgasms. Your grandmother may still find the concept off-putting, but most intelligent adults don’t. This means overcoming any misgivings so you’re not approaching his bits with your nose crinkled up and an ‘Ewww!’ expression on your face. By all means be savvy and jump on him after he’s had a shower but be graciously enthusiastic when you’re doing His Favourite Thing rather than act like it’s a massive favour.
2: You’re not willing to try new things.
Your partner wants you to dress up as a waitress and balance a cocktail tray on his bits? Lick toffee pudding from his navel? Pretend to be an alien kidnapped by a very curious earthling who finds him oddly attractive? Instead of having the usual knee-jerk reaction of ‘What planet are you on!’ think about it. We all beat to a different drum and if that’s what does it for him, why not indulge him? Just because ‘the average’ population doesn’t appear to need or want the same, who cares? So long as no one is being hurt physically or emotionally and it doesn’t become a must-have (which then moves it into being a fetish), aim to be a healthily adventurous (just about) anything goes girl. Nothing kills a sex life faster than a partner who refuses to push themselves out of their sexual comfort zone. If every time he suggests something new, you refuse, you’re sending a clear signal: your pleasure and needs aren’t important to me. Judge him for suggesting something ‘bad’ or ‘shocking’ and you virtually guarantee he’ll never suggest doing anything vaguely interesting ever again. Try to adopt this motto: assuming it’s a request that isn’t going to hurt you physically or emotionally and if you have no real moral objections to what your partner wants to try but just don’t fancy it, try it once. If you would rather stick pins in your eyeballs than even attempt it, try to recapture the spirit of what he’s suggesting (role play, talk dirty during sex and live out his fantasy that way) or come up with someone else new you’d like to try. It’s nearly always a desire for variety that’s driving his request.
3: You don’t know your own body
Most women have their first orgasm solo because, unlike men, orgasm for us isn’t an easy process and we need to teach ourselves how to do it. Tracey adds that getting to know your own body is hugely important when it comes to sex. While most boys are struggling to control embarrassing, impromptu erections on the train or desperately counting backward from 500 in a bid not to orgasm, most girls are doing quite the opposite. We’re locked away in a darkened room, trying to figure out what buttons to press and when to make something happen and desperately hoping our flatmate doesn’t barge in before it does. Frustrating yes, but ultimately worth it: 95 per cent of women who masturbate, can orgasm that way. In fact, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, it’s extremely likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. If you’re not as orgasmic as you’d like to be, put the effort in now to work out why. Experiment with different masturbation techniques and touches until you hit on some that are consistently successful and partner friendly. Think about past sex sessions, old lovers and fantasies about new ones until you’re confident you have a clear map of your individual sexual response system in your head.
4: You never initiate sex
If you always wait for your partner to instigate sex, you’re seriously missing out. Power is a huge turn-on and nothing feels sexier than being the one unzipping the trousers and promising the earth in return for having your wicked way. Initiating sex when you don’t usually, can zip-start the most sluggish libido. Your partner’s pleasantly taken off guard, you get a buzz from being in the power position. Make the first move as often as possible – and keep having sex even when you don’t really feel like it. Human beings are creatures of habit – our bodies thrive on routine because it keeps things simple in a complex world. Have a chocolate bar every day after lunch and within three or four days, buying and eating one will become automatic – your body will wait for that sugary carb rush. By setting up a craving cycle and having regular orgasms, your body will expect its quota of sex.
5: You get embarrassed easily
We’ve all been there. One minute you’re groaning and moaning with unbridled lust, the next another, less erotic, noise joins in. Who hasn’t turned on the lights to discover something has arrived early and the bed looks like a battlefield? Highly amusing but embarrassing sex stories abound – for good reason. We’re dealing with something which forces you to get up close and personal with someone else and that means there’s very little you can get away with. Garlic, giggles, smelly breath and bits, orifices which start ‘talking’ all of their own accord – there are so many potential disasters in any sexual encounter, you’d have to avoid doing anything at all if you want to stay looking suave and cool.
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